Wednesday, November 28, 2007

It's Out Of My Control


Dear Husband,

It's no secret that my biological clock ticks away even in your absence.

What you should know is that I, along with my other childless friends, have started to blame our random acts of affection, sympathy and all around matronly-gestures on The Empty Womb.

As of late, The Empty Womb has been responsible for the following (personal) experiences:

1. Stopping my car in a bad neighborhood to rescue what appeared to be a lost dog. (AM I NUTS?) Said dog, unimpressed with my feat of urban bravery, ignored my advances and ran into the backyard.

2. Watching Hannah Montana

3. Baking 2 days in a row for no reason (Do you think cats like muffins Husband?)

I don't really know what to do about it all. Will just continue to play house until further notice from you.


If Found, Please Return To:


Dear Husband,

Ohmigosh have you missed me? I know, it's been forever.

I have more to to write, but I thought you should be aware of the following, as it is a clear sign that I am officially unable to retain information as I get older.

I lost my car at the mall during lunch. No f-ing kidding Husband. Then I found it. After 20 minutes and continous use of my car alarm.

If this continues, rest assured that we will most likely have more in common as men often cannot remember anything.


Thursday, November 15, 2007

Don't Test Me, Baby

Hi Husband:

I've been noticing an upsetting trend on the social scene, and I thought I should let you know about it (I am sure it doesn't apply to you).

As you know, there is a dating ritual that involves asking for someone's phone number, should you find yourself interested in a certain someone. Now, I know technology is advancing at a rapid pace (some of us remember a time before mobile phones), and it is hard to keep tabs on when to use what device, and in what fashion (hello, phones vibrate). So, keeping this veritable mine field of inappropriateness in mind, I am not quick to judge technology offenders, however, as I said, a trend has emerged that must be checked.

Here's the deal: "Boy" flirts with me on any given Friday night. Fine. I am as loyal to you as a laborador puppy, but a girl must flirt. And because I am lovely (all my girlfriends say so), Boy asks for my telephone number. I may or may not be interested, but I am polite, and I give Boy a phone number (heavy emphasis on "a"). Herein lies the problem: Boy tests the phone number. He actually puts it in his phone and presses send!!

Husband, this is so uncool. Here's why: if in fact I have fudged, making the last 7 an 8, I am really doing us both a favor by not rejecting Boy openly and to his face. He makes us both look bad by testing the phone number I have given. And, by testing it, if I have given the right number, he is certain to instantly join my screen list.

So, Husband, spread the word with all your iphone carrying friends: I don't care if you can create a new republic in the South Pacific with the touch of a button, don't test me.


Tuesday, November 13, 2007

These Are A Few Of My (Un)Favorite Things

11 / 12/ 07

Dear Husband,

In an effort to fully prepare you for our meeting, I thought I should brief you on things I dislike. This list includes, but is not limited to:

- girls who work out with their hair down
- Blink 182-esque music
- those Dr. Phil commercials for
- financially-dependent-women who say things like "I'm an independent woman" (um, no you're not)
- people who just can't order off the menu - must have super secret unattainable dish that is so good the chef didn't even think of it
- guys who slam down weights at the gym (if it's *really* that heavy...maybe you shouldn't lift it Hercules)
- indecisiveness
- heavy breathers (seriously, are you okay?)
- slow walkers
- unobservant drivers (what lane are you in, and hello by the way, i'm here)


Monday, November 12, 2007

Charm School Graduate


Dear Husband,

There is a new sports bar by my house, have you been there? This place is seriously Mantastic.

Guess what I heard there last week...and no, I'm not kidding.

My friend left me alone to get us a drink. I was standing next to a group of guys when one of them announces (unaware of my presence) "Let's look for some hoes!"

This is what I have to work with Husband. Do you see the urgency in your arrival?

On the other hand if this was you, perhaps we can put our impending marriage on hold until you grow up.


Tuesday, November 6, 2007


Dear Husband:

I would say I miss you, but I am honestly only writing you now because I am trying desperately not to check my work email. Because I hate my job. But I am also an overachiever. You probably have a blackberry, Husband, and so do not have this particular problem because you have a tiny alarm going off all of the time so you can't not know when you have work email.

Although, I guess if you want to know the whole truth, I am sitting here in front of my computer trying not to check my work email because I am also trying not to dwell on the fact that my yucky ex-boyfriend keeps calling me.

Husband, would you come find me already? Then I could quit my job and you could beat up my ex-boyfriend.

That would rock.

Friday, November 2, 2007


Dear Husband:

I am not feeling very much like my witty, chipper self today. I am not going to lie. I realize we don't know each other well enough for me to get all, "what does it all mean," on you, but I can't help it.

I took my adorable pooch out for our nightly walk last night (you'll totally heart her). As usual, I was bundled in sweats and an old knit cap stolen from my last would-be-husband, hearing the sounds of Thursday night revelers a block or so away, and I noticed a star that I haven't seen before. Now, this is not what you think. I am not a wishing on stars sort of girl (wink).

What was unusual about this star was how desperately far away it seemed. I live smack in the middle of a big old lonely city, and the only stars that can shine through all the haze are two or three really big stars that are low on the horizon (I think they might be planets, but science is not really my thing).

This star just seemed really out of place and a million miles away. I almost said to it, "But I am never going to get there!" To which it sat silent and mocking.

So, I am just going to be brutally honest. You seem really far away, Husband, so far, in fact, that today I really feel like I am never going to find you.