Saturday, December 29, 2007

Santa Baby


Dear Husband,

There are so many things I've been wanting to write you, but I assumed the plethora of thoughts might overwhelm you.

Did you have a nice Christmas Husband? Mine was fantastic, despite your continuous unavailability. However, I managed to place myself in a happy bubble for almost 24 hours. It was really quite something for the books.

Do you get those letters in your Christmas cards summarizing the sender's year? Do you ever want to write one? I do...well sometimes...but I'm concerned I "can't" because I don't have a "family" and the people receiving it would be a bit puzzled over my self-indulgent novel/Christmas card. Well that's okay I suppose. I can wait.

I do have some exciting news though. My mom and dad said they'd like to take us someplace warm for the holidays one year. Isn't that fab?

For the record, it's not like we talk about You that often. The offer was 85% hypothetical and I just thought you should know so you'd have something to look forward to.

More later, must work on my fitness.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

It's Out Of My Control


Dear Husband,

It's no secret that my biological clock ticks away even in your absence.

What you should know is that I, along with my other childless friends, have started to blame our random acts of affection, sympathy and all around matronly-gestures on The Empty Womb.

As of late, The Empty Womb has been responsible for the following (personal) experiences:

1. Stopping my car in a bad neighborhood to rescue what appeared to be a lost dog. (AM I NUTS?) Said dog, unimpressed with my feat of urban bravery, ignored my advances and ran into the backyard.

2. Watching Hannah Montana

3. Baking 2 days in a row for no reason (Do you think cats like muffins Husband?)

I don't really know what to do about it all. Will just continue to play house until further notice from you.


If Found, Please Return To:


Dear Husband,

Ohmigosh have you missed me? I know, it's been forever.

I have more to to write, but I thought you should be aware of the following, as it is a clear sign that I am officially unable to retain information as I get older.

I lost my car at the mall during lunch. No f-ing kidding Husband. Then I found it. After 20 minutes and continous use of my car alarm.

If this continues, rest assured that we will most likely have more in common as men often cannot remember anything.


Thursday, November 15, 2007

Don't Test Me, Baby

Hi Husband:

I've been noticing an upsetting trend on the social scene, and I thought I should let you know about it (I am sure it doesn't apply to you).

As you know, there is a dating ritual that involves asking for someone's phone number, should you find yourself interested in a certain someone. Now, I know technology is advancing at a rapid pace (some of us remember a time before mobile phones), and it is hard to keep tabs on when to use what device, and in what fashion (hello, phones vibrate). So, keeping this veritable mine field of inappropriateness in mind, I am not quick to judge technology offenders, however, as I said, a trend has emerged that must be checked.

Here's the deal: "Boy" flirts with me on any given Friday night. Fine. I am as loyal to you as a laborador puppy, but a girl must flirt. And because I am lovely (all my girlfriends say so), Boy asks for my telephone number. I may or may not be interested, but I am polite, and I give Boy a phone number (heavy emphasis on "a"). Herein lies the problem: Boy tests the phone number. He actually puts it in his phone and presses send!!

Husband, this is so uncool. Here's why: if in fact I have fudged, making the last 7 an 8, I am really doing us both a favor by not rejecting Boy openly and to his face. He makes us both look bad by testing the phone number I have given. And, by testing it, if I have given the right number, he is certain to instantly join my screen list.

So, Husband, spread the word with all your iphone carrying friends: I don't care if you can create a new republic in the South Pacific with the touch of a button, don't test me.


Tuesday, November 13, 2007

These Are A Few Of My (Un)Favorite Things

11 / 12/ 07

Dear Husband,

In an effort to fully prepare you for our meeting, I thought I should brief you on things I dislike. This list includes, but is not limited to:

- girls who work out with their hair down
- Blink 182-esque music
- those Dr. Phil commercials for
- financially-dependent-women who say things like "I'm an independent woman" (um, no you're not)
- people who just can't order off the menu - must have super secret unattainable dish that is so good the chef didn't even think of it
- guys who slam down weights at the gym (if it's *really* that heavy...maybe you shouldn't lift it Hercules)
- indecisiveness
- heavy breathers (seriously, are you okay?)
- slow walkers
- unobservant drivers (what lane are you in, and hello by the way, i'm here)


Monday, November 12, 2007

Charm School Graduate


Dear Husband,

There is a new sports bar by my house, have you been there? This place is seriously Mantastic.

Guess what I heard there last week...and no, I'm not kidding.

My friend left me alone to get us a drink. I was standing next to a group of guys when one of them announces (unaware of my presence) "Let's look for some hoes!"

This is what I have to work with Husband. Do you see the urgency in your arrival?

On the other hand if this was you, perhaps we can put our impending marriage on hold until you grow up.


Tuesday, November 6, 2007


Dear Husband:

I would say I miss you, but I am honestly only writing you now because I am trying desperately not to check my work email. Because I hate my job. But I am also an overachiever. You probably have a blackberry, Husband, and so do not have this particular problem because you have a tiny alarm going off all of the time so you can't not know when you have work email.

Although, I guess if you want to know the whole truth, I am sitting here in front of my computer trying not to check my work email because I am also trying not to dwell on the fact that my yucky ex-boyfriend keeps calling me.

Husband, would you come find me already? Then I could quit my job and you could beat up my ex-boyfriend.

That would rock.

Friday, November 2, 2007


Dear Husband:

I am not feeling very much like my witty, chipper self today. I am not going to lie. I realize we don't know each other well enough for me to get all, "what does it all mean," on you, but I can't help it.

I took my adorable pooch out for our nightly walk last night (you'll totally heart her). As usual, I was bundled in sweats and an old knit cap stolen from my last would-be-husband, hearing the sounds of Thursday night revelers a block or so away, and I noticed a star that I haven't seen before. Now, this is not what you think. I am not a wishing on stars sort of girl (wink).

What was unusual about this star was how desperately far away it seemed. I live smack in the middle of a big old lonely city, and the only stars that can shine through all the haze are two or three really big stars that are low on the horizon (I think they might be planets, but science is not really my thing).

This star just seemed really out of place and a million miles away. I almost said to it, "But I am never going to get there!" To which it sat silent and mocking.

So, I am just going to be brutally honest. You seem really far away, Husband, so far, in fact, that today I really feel like I am never going to find you.


Wednesday, October 31, 2007

T&A Airlines


Dear Husband,

Happy Halloween! Did you dress up this weekend? While participating in all things ghoulish and intoxicated, I hope you did not hit on the following:

* Naughy Nurses
* Ill-Mannered Maidens
* Little "Ho" Peeps
* All of the Above

However, if your devious friends made you drink copious amounts of alcohol, I'll forgive you. You are a free man (not for long) afterall, so who am I to judge?

That being said, I'm going through one of the dryest dating droughts in quite some time. And while I am not going to nag you and say I need you to show up soon (again), I've decided that tonight is as good as any to strut my stuff.

Husband, I'm going to be blunt here.

I'm in need of some long-awaited disrespectful attention, and if that means I have to dress up as a Sexy Flight Captain, let's just say I'm not going to hang my head in shame.

Try not to take it personally.


Thursday, October 25, 2007

Thoughts At Large


Dear Husband,

Do you think anyone likes their job? I mean *really* likes it?

Underneath all the BS about how "it-is-such-a-great opportunity-I'm-learning-so-much-and-I-think-all-this-is-going-to-pay-off-despite-being-cranky-and-stressed-85%-of-the-day" you think people are being truthful to themselves? Or do they just go along with the script they're selling everyone else?

I really don't know, which I guess is why I'm asking you.

I wonder if you like your job. I hope so...they say the average person spends more time at work than with their family.

I'm sorry Husband, I know I'm rambling...I just have a lot on my mind. You see, I think I'm going to be great at something, I can feel it - the talent, the time I've put into work, the passion...I just don't think I've found my place. Kind of like I haven't found you. I really wish you were here to hug me and say it's all going to be okay, but for now - I will just have to put my faith in the fact that the Universe will bring both you, and the proper career, to me.

pondering & loving,

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Keep It Simple


Dear Husband,

When we meet, can I just act like I like you right away?

What I'm trying to say is, do I have to act like I don't really like that you like me? And then when you *do* decide that it's okay to like me (because of how fantastically mysterious I'm being), then do I have to wait a certain amount of time to show affection in order for you not to be scared and take your Like back?

Because I just can't do that anymore. The silly acting thing I mean. We spend all this time looking for each other and then when I find you, I'm supposed to pretend that I don't see you?

If I like you (which of course I will Husband) I'd just like to act like I do.

If that's alright with you.




Dear Husband,

You know that show on TLC "Little People, Big World"?

Who watches that?

Let me know,

Monday, October 15, 2007

Weekend Warrior


Dear Husband,

How was your weekend? Mine was good.

While I'd much rather have this conversation with you in person, this little nugget of information will please you to no end.

By weekend day I am a college-football-watching, beer-drinking-Goddess and by night I am a classy-champagne-sipping, stiletto-wearing, clever-conversation-having Lady.

I know Husband, try not to shake your head in disbelief.
Pretty soon you'll be ordering the "Um...waiter - I'd like the Best Wife Award please with a side of Can You Believe I Am Married to This Woman?!?"

How excited are you? And I don't want to overwhelm you, but the aforementioned personalities can be flipped pending actual day activities. For instance, a night game requiring beer consumption or conversely, a sunday brunch involving champagne. Toasting to our love. As Nora Jones serenades. While riding unicorns to our destination so we don't have to worry about drinking and driving.

See how versatile I am? Plans-Schmans. *This* girl flies by the seat of her pants.

(Just as long as I know one week in advance which pants to wear)


Friday, October 12, 2007

Getting To Know You


Dear Husband,

A lot has happened since I last wrote. I accomplished a major athletic achievement and I went on a shopping spree...which some might argue are one in the same, but I beg to differ.

So I've spent this week recovering (in new clothes nonetheless) and drinking. No reason for alarm, but you have to admit that drinking is fun. Let's not be martyrs here Husband.

In regards to the subject of my letter, I went out last night and did not meet you. This has led me to the following (positive) conclusions:

1. You decided to stay home and watch Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy. I couldn't be more proud.
(See past letters explaining the importance of said shows)

2. You don't hang out in dance clubs because you are so good at dancing, you don't want to embarrass the amateurs. Understandable Husband. Completely.

3. You were busy volunteering.

4. You went to bed early because you had to get up for 5 mile run before spending your day working hard. Again, understandable.

In any event, I missed you. Especially amongst the unoriginal-stylisitically-challenged-Button-Down-Shirt Mafia.
Otherwise known as "every-other-guy".

hopefully soon,

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Running On Empty


Dear Husband,

I was jogging yesterday and ran into (literally) someone I used to date. Now while I can't say he broke my heart, I probably did give him more of my time and care than he deserved, and when he decided he couldn't handle it (this way to Baggage Claim) I was admittedly disappointed. Not so much because I enjoyed his company, more so because I enjoyed the idea of him. Am I making sense Husband?

So during said leisurely jog, (which he joined without permission I might add) he was telling me about this and that...basically being a Snotty-Snotty-McDouchebag in regards to his latest athletic achievements. I scowled at him between beads of sweat, but I don't think he noticed.

So anyway, my point is Husband, if we ever see him when we're together happily in love, can you do something fun like punch him in the face?

You're my hero Husband.

love always,

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Lights, Ornaments, Action


Dear Husband,

It's almost the holidays.

Tick-Tock Husband, Tick-Tock.

with bells on,

Monday, October 1, 2007



Seriously. Went to swanky jewelry shop opening last week and am v. sick of your continued absence.

Will you please meet me in time for any future swanky store openings so as to shower me with love and presents and prevent me from showering myself with champagne in corner while other people happily shop and canoodle? Hmph.

Not very happy today, Husband,

Day Drinking

Hi Husband,

How was your weekend? Mine was nice. I went out on a date. Not to make you jealous, Husband, but I do think its important that you understand I am not going to hide in my linen closet reading Bridget Jones' Diary for the 578th time until you magically appear in a life-sized Fedex package.

I had a nice time on my date. We went day-drinking, and again, not to make you upset, but you should consider day-drinking for a first or second date activity when we do finally meet. I am just saying. Could be in your best interest.

Yours, as always, despite any current extra-curricular activities,

Friday, September 28, 2007

The Way You Call Me Baby


Dear Husband,

Have you seen those new Old Navy commercials? I know, I'm sort of "eh" about Old Navy too - their clothes are cheap and fall apart in the washer.

But I digress...

so...said commercials feature Cute Girl in her new Old Navy sweater, while Loving Boyfriend drinks his coffee and gazes at her, obviously contemplating her amazingness. Que magical-romantic-chic-song and it is practically the dreamiest scenario ever.

Can we play autumn dress-up too when we meet Husband? I don't ask for much, but I can't wait to be with someone I love during my favorite season. Well, any season really.

Pumpkin lattes and sweaters in the fall, snowball fights and tree decorating during the holidays, (getaway trip to some fantastic island in the dead of winter), farmer's markets in spring, and barbeques and fireworks in summer.

Here's to future traditions.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

The Same Page


Dear Husband,

I have something serious to ask you. Do you eat carbs?

See, it's not that I do, like...everyday or anything...but I just kind of can't imagine my life without them. Sort of like how I can't imagine my life without you someday Husband. I mean, it's not like college when we ate bagels 4 or 5 times a day. No way, that was a totally different time entirely. Everyone experiments in college.

But the occasional pasta dish and/or cupcake is alright..isn't it?

I thought so too.

I'm so glad we're on the same page.
But I guess that goes without saying...duh.

Lots of love,

Casting the Net

Dear Husband,

Last night, I ran into a guy I used to date, and it reminded me of something I've been meaning to talk to you about for a while. I know it upsets you to think that I am dating other boys, especially boys who do lame things like sending cast the net texts, but it happens, and the only way to stop it is for you to sweep me off my feet in a whirlwind of nuptial bliss, and then we'll have a good chuckle over silly kids who do things like cast the net.

In the meantime, I thought you might be curious about casting the net, since its definitely NOT an activity of which you would partake.

What is casting the net, you ask? Well, it is when Boy (I am not discriminating, women just don't do this) sends a universal text message to say, 5 or 6 women in his mobile phone book.

It will probably be a Saturday afternoon, and Boy will text something like, "Hey lady, I am riding my motorcycle past your house. What are you up to later?"

Unfortunately, what happens next is predictable in a sad discovery-channel-nature show sort of way. Once the text is sent, there is a good chance that at least 25% of the women texted will respond, and that a further 25% of that population will even plan to meet Boy out on said Saturday evening, resulting in a final 25% of this second population running into Boy, mathematically 1-2 girls, and Boy will have his Saturday night sleep over (hopefully one or 0.5 of our gazelles will flee from Boy in the nick of time, living to graze another day).

Yes, unfortunately, casting the net leads to a relatively high rate of return. And I am not worried at all telling you about this, Husband, because I know you are staying in this Saturday night and wondering where I am.


Monday, September 24, 2007



Dear Husband,

Do you watch shows? And by shows, I mean Grey's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, Project Runway, America's Next Top Model, and Ugly know Husband, the usual.

What? You don't?

I'm sorry, but this letter was supposed to go to my real Husband, who everyone knows would watch the aforementioned.

It must have reached you by mistake.

With irritation,

Friday, September 21, 2007

Were you reading Le Monde this Morning?


I rode the train to work unusually early this morning. I know, you are probably thinking, "Poor darling, don't work so hard!"

But sometimes there is just no help for it. And anyway, riding the train at 7 a.m. is an absolute revelation! So many crisply starched and yummy young men reading the Wall Street Journal.

A gentleman sitting next to me was even reading Le Monde. I knew it wasn't you because you wouldn't have shown off like that.


Thursday, September 20, 2007

Unintended, Possibly Intended, Neglect


Dear Husband,

You may have noticed that I haven't written in awhile. I'm sorry, and I really don't have any good excuses. As previously mentioned, work is stressful and life in general has become a bit beige.

And while I don't like to point fingers Husband, I've lost a little bit of faith in you, and I think it's your fault.

Not entirely of course, trying to focus whole-heartedly on the moniker "Love Yourself & Others Will Follow", but honestly...I'm at a loss.

For now, I just don't have a lot to say to you until I know you're listening.


Thursday, September 13, 2007


Dear Husband:

Here's the thing. I work really hard. And I work out like eight times a week. And now that I am (gasp) approaching the end of my 20's (think distant horizon, not this Tuesday), my body is starting to talk back to me instead of just letting me do whatever I want to do.

The other morning I woke up and I couldn't turn my head because my neck hurt so badly. Even though I have been working hours on end with people who sold their brains on Ebay whilst there are millions of dollars at stake, I personally think it's because I spend so much time wondering where the h*ll you are, husband. I don't mean to sound bitter, but I had to buy BenGay.

BenGay, husband. It's a wonder I didn't ask the pharmacist's assistant come home with me out of the sheer fear of mortality that it provoked.

And for your information, I am not a BenGay girl, husband. I don't break easily. I am flexible and supple. Elastic, really.

I am not trying to pressure you. I am just saying, look, husband, I would prefer that we meet each other while we still want to rub kamasutra oils all over our bodies as opposed to BenGay Maximum Strength on each other's necks.


Monday, September 10, 2007

Leap of Faith


Dear Husband,

I RSVP'd to aforementioned wedding invitation with a Plus One.

Here's to hoping...


Sunday, September 9, 2007

Vodka and The City

Dear Husband:

Why does everyone think I like martinis so much? I must have approximately 48 martini glasses in my kitchen. I receive them for nearly every occasion, and often more than one set per!

I believe its yet another repercussion of the highly acclaimed television show--Sex & The City--that I am forced to endure daily, years after the show ended. Thanks to Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte, those who do not understand single people (aka all of my suburban relatives and highschool friends), are under the misapprension that single people do nothing but drink martinis. Day and night.

Husband, honestly, I think you should be concerned. After all, you don't want me to be a vodka hag before you even meet me! So, if you see any of my family members, friends, or coworkers, please tell them not to buy me any more martini glasses.

Champagne flutes, on the other hand, are another story. I am always in need of champange flutes because they seem to jump straight to their deaths from my countertops of their own free will... You were worried, weren't you, husband? Thinking I break champagne flutes with regularity becaues I tend to swill as though it is forever New Year's and I am Freddie Mercury. No. fear not, dear Husband. I know when to say when to the tiny bubbles. Honestly.

Don't worry, Husband.


Friday, September 7, 2007

So Many Imposters


Dear Husband,

Did you come into my work today?
Did you recognize me when we were introduced?

If it is you, Husband, I think you're currently dating someone. But go easy on her when you break up with her for me. She'll understand when she meets *her* real husband someday.

I also thought I saw you at the gym during the lunch hour. Do you look like Jake Ryan Husband? You know, from Sixteen Candles?

The only problem was when I saw you resting between sets, you were...well, you were "jamming" to your iPod.
Like, in public.

And...I just don't think you would do that.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Plus One

Dear Husband,

I have to RSVP to another wedding. What should I do?

I hate bringing guy-friends as they are typically are bored and would much rather be watching SportsCenter (I don't blame them) than dancing and eating bad wedding food. And if I bring a fellow I'm casually dating...they think that my invitation to said wedding (gasp!) is a hint that we may be the next to walk down the aisle. Let's not flatter ourselves, shall we?

If I *don't* respond with a Plus One, will I be sitting at the kid's table? Will I not get to sit with all my friends who are married or in relationships? We can always wave to each other across the over-decorated, centerpiece saturated, jordan-almond invaded tables...but really, it's not the same.

I still have one more day to respond. Maybe I'll run into you tonight.


Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Take Out

4:46 p.m.

Dear Husband,

If we were already married, I would call you at your office right now and ask you if you wanted take out for dinner. You would probably say yes, and also assure me that you would much rather watch an illegal advance copy of "Evening" that my gay assistant Anthony stole for me on a trip to Tokyo, rather than the US Open. That's how sweet you are. You know how much I love Claire Danes and we would have already watched "The Hours" like eight times. You would agree with me that Claire and Hugh Dancy are a GREAT couple.

Since we haven't met, I am going out to dinner with friends... but you know who I'd rather be snuggling with, Husband :)


Save the Date

Dear Husband,

Do you ever wonder when our anniversary will be?

I hope it's not on some inconvenient date like Christmas, or your mom's birthday.

You know, because you'd probably forget it with everything else that's going on.


I Heart Water

Dear Husband,

Are you the water guy in my building?

If so, you are extremely hot.

much love,

ps. I don't mind if you are a water guy, I'm sure you are just paying the bills with your water-delivery. Everyone knows you are a fantastic (enter-creative-art-profession here), and you'll make it one day. I just know it.


Dear Husband,

I have always wanted to try being a vegan. Do you want to be vegans together?


All the Babies we will have together!


Dear Coconut Muffin:

Is it too soon for endearments? I know we haven't met yet, but I already feel like I know you. Just like that song, "I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You," by Savage Garden. Kirsten Dunst was in the video. Do you remember it? Its okay if you don't.

I am really tired today, Husband, are you tired? I hope not, as it would mean you were probably out with one of your skanky ho's that you are sewing your wild oats with before you meet me. Oh, Husband, you are so crazy! As soon as you see me you are going to realize you don't want to w*ore around ever again. I am so excited :)

One of my friends is trying to get pregnant. When I am pregnant with our baby, Husband, will you rub my feet and also go out to get me ice cream at odd hours of the night? I live in a pretty good neighborhood, so it should be safe.

How many babies do you want, Husband? I want three, and then I want to adopt a few more. Maybe from Korea, or Guatemala. But you can help me pick. Also, I have only chosen like three baby names, so if we have more babies than that, you can pick a name!

Well, back to work, I guess. I can't wait until we get married and I can be done with work 4-ever!




Dear Husband,

How is your day going? Mine is going great. I'm sure you probably had anxiety last night, and you didn't even know why. I think it's because you had sympathy anxiety for me. I had a bad day at work yesterday, so naturally I was concerned about today, but I totally redeemed myself by getting here at 6am and kicking some serious a$$ in completing my project. You would have been so proud of me Husband.

I promise that when we do finally end up together, those early-morning starts are gone. Unless of course, you are an equally hard worker, which I know you are, and then you'd probably understand. Don't worry, I'd be really quiet while getting ready as to not wake you.

Isn't it hot out Husband? I can't wait until it's time to wear hooded sweatshirts. Hopefully I will have met you by then because I know you love to wear them too.

Until later,

Not You

Dear Husband,

I thought I saw you on the bus today, but then you elbowed me in a mad dash to exit the bus, and then I realized it wasn't you.


Do You Floss Husband?


Dear Husband,

What are you doing this afternoon? I am at work. I work at an art museum. It kind of blows, but I am sure when I first meet you, I will pretend to be incredibly passionate about both art and the museum I work at. This will be so that you are not overwhelmed by any displays of intense bitterness too early in our relationship. I won't be trying to fool you or anything, it's just been my experience that men don't like girls who are too bitter. I probably won't really complain about anything until we've been dating for a few months. And I probably won't pick restauarants either. Usually, I can't make decisions about what I want to eat. It's frustrated past boyfriends, but I know you won't mind, because we are meant to be together.

Tonight, I am going out to dinner with my friend Meg. She just got married. Husband, I can't wait until you and I are finally married and we can go out on double-dinner dates with all of my friends in relationships.

Not that I am the last one or anything. I still have some single friends.

And I wear five different face creams every night so that I will still look young when we meet.

Do you floss husband? If you don't you should start. We are going to be married for a long time. You should probably rinse with Listerine too, just in case. And if you haven't tried it, the vanilla flavor is yummy, and I don't even usually like vanilla-flavored things. Haha. I wonder if you will feel the same once you try it.