Friday, September 28, 2007

The Way You Call Me Baby


Dear Husband,

Have you seen those new Old Navy commercials? I know, I'm sort of "eh" about Old Navy too - their clothes are cheap and fall apart in the washer.

But I digress...

so...said commercials feature Cute Girl in her new Old Navy sweater, while Loving Boyfriend drinks his coffee and gazes at her, obviously contemplating her amazingness. Que magical-romantic-chic-song and it is practically the dreamiest scenario ever.

Can we play autumn dress-up too when we meet Husband? I don't ask for much, but I can't wait to be with someone I love during my favorite season. Well, any season really.

Pumpkin lattes and sweaters in the fall, snowball fights and tree decorating during the holidays, (getaway trip to some fantastic island in the dead of winter), farmer's markets in spring, and barbeques and fireworks in summer.

Here's to future traditions.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

The Same Page


Dear Husband,

I have something serious to ask you. Do you eat carbs?

See, it's not that I do, like...everyday or anything...but I just kind of can't imagine my life without them. Sort of like how I can't imagine my life without you someday Husband. I mean, it's not like college when we ate bagels 4 or 5 times a day. No way, that was a totally different time entirely. Everyone experiments in college.

But the occasional pasta dish and/or cupcake is alright..isn't it?

I thought so too.

I'm so glad we're on the same page.
But I guess that goes without saying...duh.

Lots of love,

Casting the Net

Dear Husband,

Last night, I ran into a guy I used to date, and it reminded me of something I've been meaning to talk to you about for a while. I know it upsets you to think that I am dating other boys, especially boys who do lame things like sending cast the net texts, but it happens, and the only way to stop it is for you to sweep me off my feet in a whirlwind of nuptial bliss, and then we'll have a good chuckle over silly kids who do things like cast the net.

In the meantime, I thought you might be curious about casting the net, since its definitely NOT an activity of which you would partake.

What is casting the net, you ask? Well, it is when Boy (I am not discriminating, women just don't do this) sends a universal text message to say, 5 or 6 women in his mobile phone book.

It will probably be a Saturday afternoon, and Boy will text something like, "Hey lady, I am riding my motorcycle past your house. What are you up to later?"

Unfortunately, what happens next is predictable in a sad discovery-channel-nature show sort of way. Once the text is sent, there is a good chance that at least 25% of the women texted will respond, and that a further 25% of that population will even plan to meet Boy out on said Saturday evening, resulting in a final 25% of this second population running into Boy, mathematically 1-2 girls, and Boy will have his Saturday night sleep over (hopefully one or 0.5 of our gazelles will flee from Boy in the nick of time, living to graze another day).

Yes, unfortunately, casting the net leads to a relatively high rate of return. And I am not worried at all telling you about this, Husband, because I know you are staying in this Saturday night and wondering where I am.


Monday, September 24, 2007



Dear Husband,

Do you watch shows? And by shows, I mean Grey's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, Project Runway, America's Next Top Model, and Ugly know Husband, the usual.

What? You don't?

I'm sorry, but this letter was supposed to go to my real Husband, who everyone knows would watch the aforementioned.

It must have reached you by mistake.

With irritation,

Friday, September 21, 2007

Were you reading Le Monde this Morning?


I rode the train to work unusually early this morning. I know, you are probably thinking, "Poor darling, don't work so hard!"

But sometimes there is just no help for it. And anyway, riding the train at 7 a.m. is an absolute revelation! So many crisply starched and yummy young men reading the Wall Street Journal.

A gentleman sitting next to me was even reading Le Monde. I knew it wasn't you because you wouldn't have shown off like that.


Thursday, September 20, 2007

Unintended, Possibly Intended, Neglect


Dear Husband,

You may have noticed that I haven't written in awhile. I'm sorry, and I really don't have any good excuses. As previously mentioned, work is stressful and life in general has become a bit beige.

And while I don't like to point fingers Husband, I've lost a little bit of faith in you, and I think it's your fault.

Not entirely of course, trying to focus whole-heartedly on the moniker "Love Yourself & Others Will Follow", but honestly...I'm at a loss.

For now, I just don't have a lot to say to you until I know you're listening.


Thursday, September 13, 2007


Dear Husband:

Here's the thing. I work really hard. And I work out like eight times a week. And now that I am (gasp) approaching the end of my 20's (think distant horizon, not this Tuesday), my body is starting to talk back to me instead of just letting me do whatever I want to do.

The other morning I woke up and I couldn't turn my head because my neck hurt so badly. Even though I have been working hours on end with people who sold their brains on Ebay whilst there are millions of dollars at stake, I personally think it's because I spend so much time wondering where the h*ll you are, husband. I don't mean to sound bitter, but I had to buy BenGay.

BenGay, husband. It's a wonder I didn't ask the pharmacist's assistant come home with me out of the sheer fear of mortality that it provoked.

And for your information, I am not a BenGay girl, husband. I don't break easily. I am flexible and supple. Elastic, really.

I am not trying to pressure you. I am just saying, look, husband, I would prefer that we meet each other while we still want to rub kamasutra oils all over our bodies as opposed to BenGay Maximum Strength on each other's necks.


Monday, September 10, 2007

Leap of Faith


Dear Husband,

I RSVP'd to aforementioned wedding invitation with a Plus One.

Here's to hoping...


Sunday, September 9, 2007

Vodka and The City

Dear Husband:

Why does everyone think I like martinis so much? I must have approximately 48 martini glasses in my kitchen. I receive them for nearly every occasion, and often more than one set per!

I believe its yet another repercussion of the highly acclaimed television show--Sex & The City--that I am forced to endure daily, years after the show ended. Thanks to Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte, those who do not understand single people (aka all of my suburban relatives and highschool friends), are under the misapprension that single people do nothing but drink martinis. Day and night.

Husband, honestly, I think you should be concerned. After all, you don't want me to be a vodka hag before you even meet me! So, if you see any of my family members, friends, or coworkers, please tell them not to buy me any more martini glasses.

Champagne flutes, on the other hand, are another story. I am always in need of champange flutes because they seem to jump straight to their deaths from my countertops of their own free will... You were worried, weren't you, husband? Thinking I break champagne flutes with regularity becaues I tend to swill as though it is forever New Year's and I am Freddie Mercury. No. fear not, dear Husband. I know when to say when to the tiny bubbles. Honestly.

Don't worry, Husband.


Friday, September 7, 2007

So Many Imposters


Dear Husband,

Did you come into my work today?
Did you recognize me when we were introduced?

If it is you, Husband, I think you're currently dating someone. But go easy on her when you break up with her for me. She'll understand when she meets *her* real husband someday.

I also thought I saw you at the gym during the lunch hour. Do you look like Jake Ryan Husband? You know, from Sixteen Candles?

The only problem was when I saw you resting between sets, you were...well, you were "jamming" to your iPod.
Like, in public.

And...I just don't think you would do that.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Plus One

Dear Husband,

I have to RSVP to another wedding. What should I do?

I hate bringing guy-friends as they are typically are bored and would much rather be watching SportsCenter (I don't blame them) than dancing and eating bad wedding food. And if I bring a fellow I'm casually dating...they think that my invitation to said wedding (gasp!) is a hint that we may be the next to walk down the aisle. Let's not flatter ourselves, shall we?

If I *don't* respond with a Plus One, will I be sitting at the kid's table? Will I not get to sit with all my friends who are married or in relationships? We can always wave to each other across the over-decorated, centerpiece saturated, jordan-almond invaded tables...but really, it's not the same.

I still have one more day to respond. Maybe I'll run into you tonight.


Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Take Out

4:46 p.m.

Dear Husband,

If we were already married, I would call you at your office right now and ask you if you wanted take out for dinner. You would probably say yes, and also assure me that you would much rather watch an illegal advance copy of "Evening" that my gay assistant Anthony stole for me on a trip to Tokyo, rather than the US Open. That's how sweet you are. You know how much I love Claire Danes and we would have already watched "The Hours" like eight times. You would agree with me that Claire and Hugh Dancy are a GREAT couple.

Since we haven't met, I am going out to dinner with friends... but you know who I'd rather be snuggling with, Husband :)


Save the Date

Dear Husband,

Do you ever wonder when our anniversary will be?

I hope it's not on some inconvenient date like Christmas, or your mom's birthday.

You know, because you'd probably forget it with everything else that's going on.


I Heart Water

Dear Husband,

Are you the water guy in my building?

If so, you are extremely hot.

much love,

ps. I don't mind if you are a water guy, I'm sure you are just paying the bills with your water-delivery. Everyone knows you are a fantastic (enter-creative-art-profession here), and you'll make it one day. I just know it.


Dear Husband,

I have always wanted to try being a vegan. Do you want to be vegans together?


All the Babies we will have together!


Dear Coconut Muffin:

Is it too soon for endearments? I know we haven't met yet, but I already feel like I know you. Just like that song, "I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You," by Savage Garden. Kirsten Dunst was in the video. Do you remember it? Its okay if you don't.

I am really tired today, Husband, are you tired? I hope not, as it would mean you were probably out with one of your skanky ho's that you are sewing your wild oats with before you meet me. Oh, Husband, you are so crazy! As soon as you see me you are going to realize you don't want to w*ore around ever again. I am so excited :)

One of my friends is trying to get pregnant. When I am pregnant with our baby, Husband, will you rub my feet and also go out to get me ice cream at odd hours of the night? I live in a pretty good neighborhood, so it should be safe.

How many babies do you want, Husband? I want three, and then I want to adopt a few more. Maybe from Korea, or Guatemala. But you can help me pick. Also, I have only chosen like three baby names, so if we have more babies than that, you can pick a name!

Well, back to work, I guess. I can't wait until we get married and I can be done with work 4-ever!




Dear Husband,

How is your day going? Mine is going great. I'm sure you probably had anxiety last night, and you didn't even know why. I think it's because you had sympathy anxiety for me. I had a bad day at work yesterday, so naturally I was concerned about today, but I totally redeemed myself by getting here at 6am and kicking some serious a$$ in completing my project. You would have been so proud of me Husband.

I promise that when we do finally end up together, those early-morning starts are gone. Unless of course, you are an equally hard worker, which I know you are, and then you'd probably understand. Don't worry, I'd be really quiet while getting ready as to not wake you.

Isn't it hot out Husband? I can't wait until it's time to wear hooded sweatshirts. Hopefully I will have met you by then because I know you love to wear them too.

Until later,

Not You

Dear Husband,

I thought I saw you on the bus today, but then you elbowed me in a mad dash to exit the bus, and then I realized it wasn't you.


Do You Floss Husband?


Dear Husband,

What are you doing this afternoon? I am at work. I work at an art museum. It kind of blows, but I am sure when I first meet you, I will pretend to be incredibly passionate about both art and the museum I work at. This will be so that you are not overwhelmed by any displays of intense bitterness too early in our relationship. I won't be trying to fool you or anything, it's just been my experience that men don't like girls who are too bitter. I probably won't really complain about anything until we've been dating for a few months. And I probably won't pick restauarants either. Usually, I can't make decisions about what I want to eat. It's frustrated past boyfriends, but I know you won't mind, because we are meant to be together.

Tonight, I am going out to dinner with my friend Meg. She just got married. Husband, I can't wait until you and I are finally married and we can go out on double-dinner dates with all of my friends in relationships.

Not that I am the last one or anything. I still have some single friends.

And I wear five different face creams every night so that I will still look young when we meet.

Do you floss husband? If you don't you should start. We are going to be married for a long time. You should probably rinse with Listerine too, just in case. And if you haven't tried it, the vanilla flavor is yummy, and I don't even usually like vanilla-flavored things. Haha. I wonder if you will feel the same once you try it.